“There’s no obstacles that you have to jump
There’s no walls that you have to climb
This is real, this is elementary dear
Elementary, Watson, Elementary “ – ODB “Nowhere to Run
Knowledge is an interesting thing. It seems that the most important things you need to know for a happy life you need to figure out on your own and are never taught in school.
I took wood shop in high school it was mandatory. I built a wine rack and a bird house. The wine rack is still collecting dust somewhere in my mom’s basement and I am not sure what happened to my bird house which came out looking like something Frank Gehry built after a weekend bender. If any bird was actually brave enough to inhabit my birdhouse I am sure they could have sued me for multiple safety code violations. I never picked up a wood chisel again and most likely never will. I think back at all the useless classes I took in middle school and high school (home economics, sewing, metal shop) so much wasted time, so much useless information. Yet one of the most important things in life I needed to learn for happiness and success was never taught to me. It was how to be good with the opposite sex, make friends and be social. Learning those things not only would have prevented my childhood from being emotionally scarring but also would have led to more love and self acceptance.
Unfortunately, I had to figure those things out on my own much later.
Out of all the things I have tried and achieved in life, none of them have helped me grow as much as becoming good with women. I am not saying that my life improved because I was able to get laid more, I am saying becoming good with women has helped me build my confidence. It helped more than anything else I’ve tried and has greatly improved my relationships in business and family and led to self acceptance. I am a MUCH better human being because of it.
I have talked to many men who took the same path that I did later in life and all swear that becoming good with the opposite sex was the one thing that helped them improve all aspects of their lives. Yet for some reason I have always felt awkward sharing this information even though I think it’s one of the most valuable pieces of advice I can give. I am not the only one, most guys I have talked to feel the same way. It’s not that they refuse to acknowledge that information it’s just that they feel there is some stigma attached to it and they would rather not volunteer it. Why is that? Why would a piece of information that can be so beneficial be so scary to discuss in public? Why is it so taboo to say that becoming good with women is a skill that can be learned? It’s no different than learning to ride a bike. Why does saying “I learned to be good with women and so can you” seem somehow dirty?
There is some belief in our culture which says that learning to have abundance with women is bad. It’s not that sleeping with a lot of women is bad, since we celebrate movie stars and rock stars who lead decadent lifestyles. But somehow going from a loser to someone who is desired by women does have a negative stigma attached to it. The notion of a man going from being a total nerd to becoming desired by many women is always depicted as a comical caricature only involving him becoming either rich, famous or building a great physique.
Let me give you an example.
Picture Walt. Walt is thirty six years old. He lives in a small studio apartment is 20 pounds overweight and drives a fork lift at Costco for a living. Walt has tried online dating and has even been in a few short relationships over the last decade, but the number of sexual partners he has had can be counted on one hand. Walt decides to start a band and write a few songs. The songs becomes popular on YouTube, Walt gets a recording contract and starts touring, his band starts playing larger and larger venues. Walt is now rich and famous, has his own plane and travels the world playing sold out shows and having sex with multiple women on a regular basis. Walt is a star and women want to have sex with him backstage after every show.
Now let’s try scenario number two.
Picture Walt. Walt is thirty six years old. He lives in a small studio apartment is 20 pounds overweight and drives a fork lift at Costco for a living. Walt has tried online dating and has even been in a few short relationships over the last decade, but the number of sexual partners he has had can be counted on one hand. Walt decides he has had enough, so he takes a workshop to learn how to be good with women. He learns how to talk to women, how to be more interesting and how to make women feel special. Walt still drives a fork lift at Costco lives in the same small studio apartment yet he is having sex with multiple women on a regular basis because he learned how to be sexually attractive to women.
Everyone can picture rock star Walt and why he is desired by women, yet the Costco Walt somehow seems phony. But why? Both Walts are highly desired by women, both get laid equally. Yet somehow as I paint that picture you assume that Costco Walt is somehow creepy or a phony and even if he is getting laid somehow he is tricking women into sleeping with him.
I have known a lot of “Costco Walts”. Those guys are out there. They are not the most attractive, they are not the richest but they learned how to make women feel special and how to make women want them. They get laid as often as “Rock star Walt”. Yet the notion that someone can learn to be great with women without “earning it” is still taboo in our culture. Having mobility on the sexual pecking order ladder is accepted as long as you accomplish something like becoming rich or famous, but climbing it on skill alone becomes somehow terrifying and wrong.
I’ve been thinking about this question for quite a while. Since I could not come up with any easy answer that jumped out at me, I assumed the answer must be a lot more primal, more obfuscated and more deeply and subconsciously engrained into our society. I have found that when it comes to sexuality, anytime you hit a roadblock the answer usually can be found by looking at evolution. I believe this is where this answer lies.
Throughout history for hundreds of thousands of years the sexual pecking order was set. The tribal leader was the one who was most desired by women, who had his pick of which woman he sleeps with. As you go further and further down the pecking order, less choices are available to those men. There were ways which you could make yourself more desirable and climb the ladder. You could slay a tiger or lion or be brave and heroic during a battle; all those things would make you more desirable to women. They would help you achieve more social status in the tribe. In other words, all those things involved “doing” something. The notion of just your average man at the bottom of the tribe’s pecking order seducing and becoming more sexually desirable to all the women in the tribe is not only foreign, it’s also dangerous and scary for everyone. Evolution of our species relies on the strongest and bravest men having sex with the healthiest and most beautiful women. The idea that someone can short circuit this unspoken rule without accomplishing anything and trick the system goes against what nature intended.
There are a few more reasons why it is frightening to know that being sexually desirable is a skill that can be learned. It is scary to women, because sexual power is a unique power that women have in our society. A woman knows that her looks play an important part of navigating through life. For women to have that power men must feel scarcity. If every man can get laid as easily as a woman that power goes out the window. Talk to any woman who is considered attractive in her small home town who comes to a place like L.A. or Miami which is full of beautiful women and you will understand.
But men are equally as guilty about being afraid to see the truth. For a man to know that he can learn to become great with women without accomplishing something means admitting that the treadmill of life he has been on has been waste of time. It’s one thing to think that you are not getting laid because you are not successful enough or don’t drive the right car because all those things can be fixed IN THE FUTURE. Once you have the money you can get the right car, once you reach fame women will want you, once you have more money you can get hair plugs and hire a personal trainer. Everything is safe as long as it’s in the future and you have an excuse. Once you realize that all those things are not nearly as important, you have to admit that YOU are the only reason why women are not attracted to you. It is not because of something you have yet to accomplish or posses. That realization is very scary. I won’t even go into why married men don’t want to know this.
Finally, corporate America does not want anyone to know that the sexual pecking order ladder can be cheaply traversed. How many billions of dollars are made each year by preying on men’s sexual scarcity? How many cars, beers, deodorants, fitness equipment and gym memberships are sold each day by making millions of men feel that if they just bought the right product they will be more sexually desirable to women? What if tomorrow men learned that you can skip the middle man and learn to attract women without opening up their wallet?
The reason teaching men to become great with women will always come across as manipulative is because it involves teaching men to act as if they are much further up the sexual pecking order ladder without actually earning it by societal standards. And this is dangerous.
But we are no longer living in caveman times, we no longer need to slay a lion or kill men in battle in order to be able to rise up the sexual ladder, we can climb it by redoing ourselves from within and earning our spot just the same. But that is all very foreign and very new.
This is why the notion of men learning to become great with women will never be fully accepted in our society and it will always come across slightly creepy when being discussed and will always remain mostly underground. This is why seeing through the Matrix of how the world really is and can be will always be scary to the masses.